The Doubting Jesus

August 21, 2011
Twenty-First Sunday in Ordinary Time
Is 22:19-23
Rom 11:33-36
Mt 16:13-20

What Jesus knew about himself and his role in salvation has always bothered me. In high school I remember thinking, "if he knew that his death would save the whole world, how hard could it have been to make the sacrifice?" Allow "high school Mark" some leeway on this because, while the question was a bit naive, it points to a bigger question, the question of Jesus' self-knowledge.

Traditional Christian logic would follow like this: God is all-knowing, Jesus is God, therefore Jesus is all-knowing. This same logic traditionally reads this famous gospel story as Jesus testing his disciples and finding Peter to be his number one pupil. Try a different approach, try reading the story from the perspective of Jesus' humanity.

Hiding out in Caesarea Philippi far north of Jerusalem, maybe Jesus pondered his own ministry. Maybe his thoughts went something like this: First, John, my one-time mentor and cousin, was beheaded by Herod for stirring up the people. Am I next? And the last time I encountered the leaders of my own people, men who I studied with growing up - the Pharisees and Saducees - I insulted them, calling them hypocrites. And recently, while fleeing my homeland for safety's sake, a poor gentile woman kept calling to me, begging that I heal her daughter. When I finally listened, my what faith she had! What is my Father asking of me? Who is God asking me to be?

Is it wrong to think that Jesus's humanity often left him in such doubt, wondering to what God was calling him? Doubt is not a sin, so long as we do not bow to it. When Jesus asked the disciples "Who do you say that I am?", couldn't it have been because he wasn't yet sure? And isn't that what discerning people do - take their doubt prayerfully to those who love them? Today's passage from Romans says: "For who has known the mind of the Lord or who has been his counselor?"

Yet, we scorn ourselves when we doubt. We allow uncertainty and the unknown to haunt us instead of embracing them with a spirit of discernment, asking our friends and familes how they see us. A great lesson from Jesus this week is exactly this: when we struggle to know who and whose we are, we should not fear asking our friends for help. Identifying God's call in our life is never an individual task, but always one in which we need to call up our community. In times of struggle, may we remember Jesus' response to adversity, allowing ourselves the freedom to doubt, and taking those doubts to people who love us.